Zine titles should consist of 1 to 4 random words that “just sound cool.”

It’s a good idea to start begging for submissions before you begin work on your first issue, and continue to beg in each subsequent issue.

All submissions should be published, otherwise you’re a snob.

a good way to show apathy or be poetic is to always use lowercase and avoid punctuation

Spelling and grammer arent important, its about the messige.

Not editing or profreading a zine make is more indie,

The main focus of a zine should be how much the editor’s life sucks.

Editors should reprint everything they write (letters, diary entries, homework) in their zine, or it will be wasted.

Each issue should begin with an editorial apologizing for how late the issue is and explaining why none of the planned features worked out.

Content a little dry? Try swearing.

Build controversy by attacking such difficult targets as Christianity, censorship, McDonald’s and “the media.”

Short of content? Print and photocopy the website of your choice.

When designing a zine, be sure to leave plenty of dark grey space.

The importance of margins is ov

“Ironic” clipart from the 50s is inherently funny and therefore mandatory.

Article titles should generally be written in the font Comic Sans.

Text written in a cool $249 “alternative” font from Adobe Corporation (NYSE: ADBE) is more indie.

You can get fonts for your parent’s laser printer that print as illegibly as an old typewriter.

Typewriters are more indie than computers. Records are more indie than CDs. Bronze is more indie than iron.

Illegibility is a political statement. It also makes it harder to pick apart bad arguments.

Anarchy is a political philosophy best summarized by scrawling “FUCK.”

Each article in a punk zine must attempt to define the term punk and explain what’s wrong with the scene.

If someone makes money, and you don’t like them, they should be denounced as a sellout.

All zines must contain concert, record and zine reviews.

If you don’t photocopy your concert tickets, people won’t believe you were there.

Blackened generic band pictures also improve credibility.

All zine publishers liked the current indie rock sensations before they were trendy.

Don’t worry about being irrelevant by interviewing bands your audience has never heard of and will never hear of — band members usually have lots of interesting things to say.

In a band interview, the band must be asked if they prefer performing on the road or in the studio.

It’s also a good idea to reprint newspaper clippings and things you find on the Internet, particularly “wacky” news blurbs.
Be sure to run several pages of ads for other zines so they'll advertise your zine in their pages of zine ads. Through this sort of networking, everyone can get copies of everyone else's booklets of ads.

A zine ad should consist of the zine's name, address and a picture or comic cut out of a magazine or newspaper. Build suspense by saying nothing about the zine's contents.

Broad, cynical sarcasm such as this is usually a good substitute for intelligent critique.

Copyright 1999 Ninjalicious. This column originally appeared in Amusing Yourself to Death. Posted with permission.