Busting the Buffet

Greg Beets and Buzz Moran's Hey! Hey! Buffet! serves up generous portions of news and reviews about the grand tradition of stuffing your face. "Nothing illustrates the social kinship of America and the late, great Roman Empire better than the all-you-can-eat buffet," they wrote in their first issue after a hearty meal at a place called Casita Flameada. "The Romans called their buffet an orgy and threw in sex and a vomit trough. Hopefully we too will reach this pinnacle someday."

In the interest of preserving the self-indulgent gluttony that keeps America full, we hereby disgorge our 10-step program for busting all-you-can-eat buffets. Fellow buffeteers, go forth and plunder!

(1) Go to buffets hungry, but not on an empty stomach. Sometimes, when I'm really hungry, I start feeling Lasorda sick. I guess this is God's gift to the terminally famished. A little food keeps your stomach stretched out, which maximizes that great going-into-labor feeling.

(2) Develop a plan of attack. Whether it's salad to entree to dessert or vice versa, remain steadfast to the pattern that will develop as the buffet monkey sinks its claws into your ever-willing flesh.

(3) Do not "hot-dog" through the line on your first trip. It's a buffet, chowderhead! It was there when you walked in and it'll be there when you're full. It's fun to go for seconds!

(4) Always sample a wide array of food. Try a little bit of everything (as long as you're with a consenting adult and there is no violence involved). If the food is hard to swallow, simply push it aside and try something else, got it?

(5) Eat some greens and bread if you can get them. OK, we're making a little concession to that stupid healthy lifestyle thing. So what? Fiber keeps the digestive freight train rolling solid. That way, all those cancerous food additives don't have time to hook up with a cute enzyme.

(6) Don't eat too much cheese or breaded foods. Overdoing these staples inhibits your ability to down mass quantities of meat—the "money food."

(7) Drink water. For one, it's free. Two, it won't fill you up.

(8) Avoid bender-mixing. Ecchleasyassees tells us there's a time to gorge and a time to imbibe, but commingling such vices casts abomination unto thy guttocks! Maybe you get drunk before eating because it's "cool," or because you think it will enhance your performance. We're sure 17-year-old Burton Dill of Ponder, Texas thought the same thing when he tried to battle the HomeTown Buffet after drinking two Mickey's Bigmouths. Burton didn't make it to the bathroom.

(9) Don't be ashamed of your gluttony. Women especially should not buy into the media lies designed to turn you into an anorexic waif. Any man worth his bulk will love a woman who holds her own at the trough.

(10) Eat slow. Fast food has bastardized the beautiful art of eating into just another boring bodily function, like sex. Fight back by taking the buffet nice and slow. Make conversation. If you're alone, bring a book or religious tract. Remember, a buffet isn't just a meal, it's a Great Entertainment Value. Don't eat to live—live to eat!