SATURDAY, AUGUST 19

morning program

10:30-12:00 SEMINARS

a. How Do I Pronounce "Zine"? And What Will I Get If I Make One? Room 022
Jimmy Corrigan, DePaul University—Moderator
Seth Friedman, Publisher, Factsheet Five, CA
Lisa Carver, Rollerderby, CA
Darby, Ben Is Dead, CA
Don Salemi, Brutarian, VA
Batya Goldman, Publisher, Mary Kuntz Press, Founder, Underground Press Conference, Poet, Mother, Saint, IL

This panel will discuss the proper pronunciation of "zine", including regional dialect and foreign language versions. Panelists will also talk about how to get free stuff from music and book publishers, as well as tips on how to trade your zine for other, superior zines.

b. What to Do With All Those Unsold Zines? Room 925
Mr. Wizard, Cal Tech—Moderator
Robert Dupree, Subliminal Tattoos, WA
Chip Rowe, Chip's Closet Cleaner, IL
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA
Mike Smith, Smith Recycling, IL
Chris Dodge, MSRRT Newsletter, MN

This panel takes a practical look at a dilemma that many zine publishers might be a little embarassed to admit. Your starry- eyed visions of a world just waiting for your publication have amounted to a closet full of boxes of unsaleable pulp. You'd be surprised who'll take them off your hands and maybe even pay you. Why, there are thousands of libraries and Universities and University libraries out there just waiting, and if worse comes to worse, paper gets about ten cents a pound. You'll be glad you sprang for those extra-heavy paper stock covers now!

c. Guns & Zines Go Together Like Pork & Beans, Room 911
Professor Griff, DePaul University—Moderator
Jim Goad, ANSWER Me!, OR
Hollister Kopp, Gunfag, CA
Randall Phillip, Fuck, PA
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA
T. Crites, Malefact, PA

The biggest trend in zine publishing has creators arming themselves to the teeth in anticipation of the much discussed "zine wars" that many feel are nearing the boiling point. Join this panel of experienced gun enthusiasts for a discussion of the frightening developments that have taken place recently in our once peaceful zine community.

Sat. 12-1:45 MILK & GRAHAM CRACKERS

afternoon program

1-5:00 Exploring Firearms Workshop—DePaul Gymnasium
Hollister Kopp, Gunfag
Theo Kojak, NYPD
Jim & Debbie Goad, ANSWER Me!
T. Crites, Malefact
Randall Phillip, Fuck
Kurt Cobain, Nirvana
Full Force Frank, Singin' Dem Ol' Psychotic Blues
Lt. Dan Kelly, Chicago Police Department
Gary Groth, Fantagraphics
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five

Ongoing tutorials on everything from hand guns to grenade launchers. Have you ever wondered how firepower can give your publication more authority? Ever wondered if there was one tool that could solve all your problems? Then this is for you. Just come on down to our state-of-the-art shooting range and work with your own tutor to find the perfect firearm. Plenty of free beer, too!

1:45-3:15 SEMINARS

a. Barbie & The Brady Bunch: Deifying the Dreck of Yesteryear, Room 222
The Professor, Gilligan's Island—Moderator
Russ Forster, 8-Track Mind, MI
Ferris & Morgan, Funk N Groove, CA
Pagan Kennedy, Writer, MA
Dean Williams, TV Grind, IL
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA

Come get into a '70s retro-kinda-thang! Polyester suits and sitcom references are sure to abound in this lighthearted look at arrested adolescence.

b. Obsession: It's Not Just a Fragrance, It Stinks, Room 007
M.T. Wastebasket, DePaul University—Moderator
Al Hoff, Thrift Score, PA
Dan Kelly, Danger!/Evil, IL
Chip Rowe, This Is Spinal Tap Zine, IL
Brother Randall, Snake Oil, TX
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA

Zining's most obsessed publishers have finally realized that they've wasted their entire lives on useless pop cultural flotsam. Deciding to change all that, panelists will pool their collective talent for blind, tunnel-visioned obsession and NOT leave the room until they have developed a) A cure for cancer, b) a smooth, dry martini, and c) a rhyme for "orange."

c. McQuimby: The Next Generation, Room 33
Palm Dior, Harvard University—Moderator
Steven T. Svymbersky, CEO, Qvimby International Industries Inc., IL
Seth Friedman, Publisher, Factsheet Five, CA

Panel is actual set up for the taping of Mr. Svymbersky's new infomercial "Alternative Press = Alternabonanza!" Mr. Svymbersky will show how with only a $10,000 franchising fee (payable in small, unmarked bills, please) you too can open a hip, happening, alternative bookstore! With your fee, you will receive all the necessary equipment, training, uniforms, health/dental plans necessary to make your store a raging success story, bound to crush lesser stores in its path. Mr. Svymbersky will conclude his presentation by draping his legs behind his ears and letting all interested parties to, "come take a crack at him."

d. The Reviewers Dunk Tank. Depaul University Gymnasium
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA
Jerod Pore, Factsheet Five Electric, CA
Bevvy Messerntsky, Lumpen Times, Tail Spins, IL
Heath Row, Karma Lapel, Tail Spins, IL
Larry Bob, Queer Zine Explosion, CA

Soak that self-important asshole who pissed on your paper! $1 for three throws.

3:15-3:30 NAP TIME

Saturday 3:30-5:00 SEMINARS

a. Fuck ME!?! Fuck YOU!!! Settling Your Differences in the Zine World, Room 23 Skidoo
Simon Bar Sinister, DePaul University—Moderator
Sean Tejaratchi, Crap Hound, OR
Robert DuPree, Subliminal Tattoos, WA
Jeff Koyen, Crank, NY
Rev. Randy Tin-Ear, Angry Thoreauan, CA
Jim Romenesko, Obscure Publications, WI
Full Force Frank, Singin' Dem Old Psychotic Blues, NY?
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA

Panel will be held in an electrified cage, filled with instruments of death and mayhem. Techniques to be discussed include DuPree's devious "I'm gonna sic my lawyers on you" feint, and Jim Romenesko's dazzling, "Hey. C'mon, Frank, cut it out," defense. Panel discussions will culminate with Jeff Koyen's insertion of his entire foot into Tin-ear's ass.

b. Poetry. Why?!? Room 000
Ben D. Banana, DePaul University—Moderator
David Hernandez, Famous Poet/Writer of Ding-a-lings, IL
Batya Goldman, Publisher, Mary Kuntz Press; Founder, Underground Press Conference, Astronaut, Movie Star, Pub Wench, IL
Oberc, Svengali, IL
Paul Weinman, Poet/Publisher, Whiteboy
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA

Topics include: Sending your poetry to publications; sending your poetry to publications that do not publish poetry; continuing to send poetry to publishers pleading with you to not send them more poetry; getting back at those bastards who would not publish your poetry in their publication through writing strongly-worded letters, spattered by your sensitive poet teardrops.

c. How Your Zine Can Tear Down the Pig System Through Intensive Interviewing of Bad Punk Rock Bands. Room 25 or 6 to 4
Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, DePaul University —Moderator
Tim Yohannan, Maximum Rocknroll, CA
Larry Livermore, Punk Planet, IL
Joseph Gervatital, No Longer a Fanzine, OH
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA
(TBA), Profane Existence, MN

Subjects include: Can there ever be too many Ian Mckaye and Jello Biafra interviews? Moshing as political statement. Plus: Is your magazine's vital punk rock message lost when 75% of it consists of record reviews?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20

morning program

10:30-12:00 SEMINARS

a. Pearls Before Swine: Selling Your Zine to the (ick) Unwashed Masses, Room 333
No Moderator as All Were too Intimidated By Our Raw Pulsing Intellects
Tom Frank, Editor/Publisher, The Baffler IL
Tom Frank's Phd, The Baffler, IL
Tom Frank's Ego, The Baffler, IL (and Parts of IN and WI)
"Diamond's" Dave Mulcahey , Editor, The Baffler, IL
Matt Weiland, Editor, The Baffler, IL
Seth Friedman (Peering Through a Keyhole), Factsheet Five, CA

The first nine hours of this seminar will not be open to the public, and will consist solely of the panelists "speaking" to one another through a group Vulcan mindmeld. Spectators will be allowed in during the last 15 minutes for a "Q & A" session, save that only answers will be allowed.

b. Zining From Beyond the Grave, Room 666
Iva Bigbottom, DePaul University—Moderator
Mr. Apology, Apology Magazine, The Afterlife
Eric Hampton, Kari and the Pirate, The Afterlife
Boyd McDonald, Straight To Hell, Hell?
Charles Bukowski, Poet/Writer, The Afterlife
Seth Friedman, Publisher, Factsheet Five, CA

Has death gotten in the way of your publishing schedule? The zine world's most recent fatalities are channeled by Seth Friedman in order to find out how the publishing land lays on the Other Side. Topics include: staying in touch with your printer via mediums; possessing computer systems; and haunting your distributor until he coughs up the money he owes you.

c. The Flavor of Advertiser Butt-Cheek. Room 812
Joe Camel, DePaul University—Moderator Miles Hurwitz, Might, CA
Queen Mu, Mondo 2000, CA
Rex Ehdlund, Hypno, CA
(TBA), Third Word, IL
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA

Not everybody hates selling advertising. For some it's infinitely easier than finding interesting articles or artwork to print. Printing press releases, reviewing product and giving head are just a few of the methods to be discussed.

d. The Really Free Press, Room 000
Brian Hieggelke, NewCity, Moderator
Leslie Stella, What's Uptown?, Lumpen Times, IL
C.J. Laity, Letter X, IL
Astro-Boy, Babble, IL
Brent Ritzel, Tail Spins, IL
Chris Marszewski, Lumpen Times, IL

Many publishers have come to realize the only way anyone is going to look at their work is if they give it away for free. Chicago's Free Paper editor's discuss the advantages of giving their readers "nothing to lose."

2-1:45 SINGALONG & SNACK

afternoon program

1:45-3:15 CONCLUDING SEMINAR

Have We Gone Too Far? Room 666
Harry Balls,University of Illinois—Moderator
David McEachran, Whatcom County Prosecutor, WA
Seth Friedman, Factsheet Five, CA
Mike Diana, Boiled Angel, FL
Lt. Dan Kelly, Chicago Police Department, IL
Stuart Baggish, Pinella County Prosecutor, FL

Do some publishers push the First Amendment past it's limits? Not all free speech is equal and many fear some hard time in the hoosegaw is the only way we will be able to exorcise this menace from our community. As an added bonus, five relatives of serial killer victims will perform a symbolic prison-type gang rape on that pervert, Mike Diana.

Zine City '96

The Overblown Press Conference will include zine pissing matches, painful poetry readings, pointless panels, pretentious presentations, and a pestilent paper sale. Celebrate the mundane, see history end, and cruise. No Talent required!